When Her Eyes Are Closed
by QueenChelsieAmbrose
Summary: She closed her eyes, hoping that she'd fall asleep forever and all she would see was him. When she slept, he was the only person there, the only one that mattered. She found refuge in sleep because that was when she truly felt him there with her, heard his mumblings of sweet nothings, his calming, and soothing voice.


**Disclaimer: No one you recognize belongs to me. **

**A/N: I don't even know what to put here. **

**I apologize for this in advance. **

**Mistakes are my own. **

* * *

Kaitlyn was already wide awake when she heard the knocks on her bedroom door. The sharp sound cut through the silence of her cold room, making her fight the urge to yell and tell whoever it was to leave her alone. She didn't care who it was, it didn't matter; she had nothing in her that could make her care.

She just wanted to be left alone.

So she stayed in her bed, wrapped up in her blankets, her knees curled to her chest. She was frozen, immobile… empty. She closed her eyes, hoping that she'd fall asleep forever and all she would see was him. When she slept, he was the only person there, the only one that mattered. She found refuge in sleep because that was when she truly felt him there with her, heard his mumblings of sweet nothings, his calming, and soothing voice. She had once lived for the moments when they were alone together, those moments were the ones her heart begged the universe to have back. When she closed her eyes, she could feel his hands lulling her to peace. So she welcomed sleep because it was the only time memories took precedence over reality.

Now, all she had were those memories. They were the one thing she could hold on to even if he was no longer there. They all felt so real, but disappeared when she opened her eyes.

She held back a sob, letting it settle in the pit of her stomach as she clutched onto the shirt she wore. She hadn't taken off that "Hounds of Justice" in a couple days; It used to be his shirt. It was one of the few thing she hadn't given back to his family, she couldn't part with it.

She heard the soft jiggle of the door knob, but she remained still, unmoving.

Kaitlyn just wanted to be left alone, no one understood. But AJ had the key to her apartment, and her friend never failed when it came to reminding her.

She heard the soft padding of footsteps, but she refused to acknowledge the other woman's presence.

"Kait?" AJ asked, sitting on the bed. Kaitlyn swallowed the lump in her throat, feeling the bed sink in, retreating from the extra weight.

Kaitlyn didn't respond, not even when AJ brushed her hair from her face. She shrunk away from her friends hands, it wasn't the touch she needed.

AJ sighed, "Kaity, please tell me how to help you." The smaller woman sounded desperate.

She sounded so concerned, caring. But it wasn't the kind, soothing voice she wanted to hear. Tears formed in her eyes once more, and she closed her eyes to try and conceal them. She didn't need anyone seeing her cry.

"Is- Is this.." AJ began tentively, not sure if she should even finish her sentence. But she needed to know, her friend was retreating deeper and deeper into lonesomeness and there had to be something someone, anyone could do. "Is this because of Roman?"

There it was… the mention of the one man that would make everything better. Kaitlyn opened her eyes, feeling like it had been forever since she had heard the name. It felt awkward, wrong, coming off someone else's lips. She sat up, hugging her knees to her chest, tucking her chin between her chest and her bent knees, "Just go away."

"No," AJ said stubbornly, wrapping her arms around her friend. All Kaitlyn could do was sob in her friends arms, letting her friend smooth down her hair and hug her.

"I love him," Kaitlyn admitted, letting the emotion poor out of her as the sobs shook her whole body. It was the first time that she had even said it out loud to anyone else who wasn't Roman. In all the time they shared together, they shared the secret of their love.

"I'm sorry," AJ whispered, "I didn't know."

No one had. To everyone else, they were nothing more than close friends. They were separate people who just happened to share their separate, happy, lives with each other. No one knew about their love, or the secret moments they shared with each other.

Kaitlyn pulled away, sniffling, pulling his shirt up to her face, inhaling the scent that lingered on on it. The smell of him still lingered on it. She looked at AJ, "You don't know how it feels… I don't think anyone does." She moved, inching more and more to the edge of the bed, "I didn't get to say goodbye." More tears poured from her eyes, burning because she hadn't stopped crying for 3 days.

Her last memory of him flashed through her mind. They had met in a hotel, and they shared the entire night together, just talking. He was like he normally was, comforting, letting her poor out her feelings to him, just listening to her talk to him. That night was just like every other night. That was how she remembered him. "I- I don't know what to do now." She sniffled, "What am I supposed to do? How am I just supposed to forget and move on?"

"Hey," AJ said assertively, "You are one of the strongest people I know, you are gonna be okay."

"No," Kaitlyn said, shaking her head rapidly, "I'm not." They were finally going to tell everyone that they were together; they just wanted to be happy. If she had known that would have been their last night together, she would have held on to him tighter, kissed him deeper. She wished she could have turned back time and never let him leave that hotel room.

"You can say goodbye tomorrow." AJ said, reminding her of the funeral that hadn't taken place yet, "We're all going."

"NO," Kaitlyn yelled. She refused to go and see him lay lifeless in a coffin. That was not an image she wanted to remember when she thought of him. She wasn't strong enough to handle it either. She sobbed, letting AJ gather her in her arms.

"Shh," AJ said, tears brimming in her eyes as well.

They just stayed that way for a while. AJ let her just cry and all Kaitlyn hoped for was relief from the pain of not having him there anymore. "He wasn't supposed to die," Kaitlyn said, trying to stop her tears, but all that happened was more crying, "We were supposed to be happy. And he – he just left me here, alone,"

They were going to live their lives together, share the rest of their lives. But destiny had other plans, and he was robbed of his life; Taken because a drunk driver couldn't think to stay off the road.

She was angry. If she knew where the man was, she would killed him with her bare hands, tear him limb from limb. It still angered her every time she thought of it, and she hoped the murderer would rot in hell for robbing Roman of his life.

"You can still be happy," AJ said, "Go to the service tomorrow, let him go."

"No," Kaitlyn said, "Maybe I'll go when I'm up for it," Whenever that would be, "Take flowers or something, but not tomorrow." She needed a personal moment where she could just sit there and accept that he wasn't coming back. She couldn't do that with his family, friends, and their colleagues around.

Before then, she would lay in her bed, clutching her bed sheets, and welcome the memories that would come to her when she closed her eyes.


End file.
